Little Nicky Clegg tells Mummy his super new idea

Mummy! Mummy!

Yes, Nicky?

I’ve had a really brilliant idea.

Really, darling?

Yes, Mummy! I reckon it’s the most super idea anyone has ever had in the world ever!

(Sighs. Lays aside latest issue of World of Interiors) Do tell, sweetheart.

Well, you know how everyone’s a bit poor right now?

Yes, dear.

But how some people are still jolly rich even though they don't deserve to be?

Do get on with it, Nicky.

OK, Mummy. Well, anyway, what if – and this is like so clever – what if you took all the money away from the really rich people and gave it to everyone who doesn’t have as much money as them!

Erm… well, actually, we’re quite rich, Nicky.

But isn’t that wrong, Mummy. I mean, what did we do to deserve it?

Well, we’re clever, we work very hard, we plan for the future, we defer gratification and we invest wisely.

But it shouldn’t matter if you’re clever and you work hard, should it? We should all be equal, shouldn’t we? And putting money in a bank's wrong, isn't it? Money should be spent on instrafructure... and, well, nice things.

Up to a point, Nicky, my little angel. But once the poorer people have spent all the richer people’s money, they’ll be poor again and the rich won’t have any money left to give them.

Oh yes they will. Because when we’ve taken their money away, the rich will just go off and make more money for the rest of us.

I’m not sure people will be quite so happy to take lots of risks and work sixteen hour days if they know the wealth they create will be taken away from them, my little poppet. Besides, they’ll just move abroad. 

(Stamps foot as his eyes fill with angry tears) We won’t let them leave the country and we’ll jolly well make them go on working hard!

But what if they refuse to, angel?

We'll put them in prison, where the rotters deserve to be anyway!

(Picking up her magazine again) Yes, darling, I’m sure you’re right.

See? Told you it was a brilliant idea. (Pause) Mummy?

Yes, Nicky?

What’s a CAUC?

(Drops magazine) Where did you hear that word?

It’s what everyone calls me at school.

You should tell your teachers.

They say I'm a CAUC as well.

I have no idea what it means, darling.

Mummy?

Yes?

Why don’t I have any friends?

Because you’re a CAUC, darling.