Gay lions, the wisdom of four-year olds, poppies, and cuddly Marxists...

Hard not to agree with the little twerp for once - even though this is pretty much exactly what he was saying about the Labour Party this time last year.  It's also hard to disagree with any of the following tweets: 

The New York attack, Tory gropers, the sleazy Clintons... and the wisdom of Diane Abbott

Oh dear. Meanwhile, in case you imagined that yesterday's attack in New York was carried out by a radical Islamic terrorist acting in the name of ISIS, let the BBC's North America Editor put the right:

Next, a measured, sensible and unbiased look at the week's main news - with just a splash of sarcasm

Now there's a slogan I can really get behind! If that was the Freudian Slip of the Week, this was the Oxymoron of the Week:

Cartoons and t'ing - from Blower on Catalonia to Matt on Hugh Hefner...

There have been several good political cartoons in the Telegraph recently, including this one by Bob:

Standard list of BBC questions to EU politicians and bureaucrats

That report was from our Pro-EU correspondent, Tim Surrender-Monkey. To answer some of the issues it raised, I'm now joined on the phone by Schleswig-Holstein's Deputy Minister for Cultural Suicide, Hermann Jeering, who is an MP for the Liberal Democratic Socialist Christian Union Alliance Free Green Conservative Party of Schleswig-Holstein - the left-leaning, right-leaning, centrist, anarchist, far-right, nationalist, globalist, socialist, anarchist, communist LDSCUAFGCPSH...

Doreen Tipton addresses the issue of BBC pay

And here, Ms Tipton (who suffers from LCS - of Lazy Cow Syndrome) interviews Sakari Faisal-Lamb, Minister for Things Going Wrong:

Pass the sick-bag, Alice! More social media madness - and something for the weekend...

It did indeed...

Sunday's Comic Cuts... aka "We really are going to Hell in a Handcart"

Feeling safer already...

It's too hot to think, let alone write anything, so here's the result of another lazy trawl...

Saturday's Comic Cuts...

Hereditary peerage for Telegraph pocket cartoonist Matt Ridley. Now. This instant...

The best and worst of Twitter in a time of madness

It's too hot to write anything, so here's a round-up of appalling, amusing and sensible tweets posted in the last few days, starting with revolutionary socialist, Diane Abbott, slamming the privileged elite:

...which is no doubt why her party wants to shut down all private schools. Meanwhile, the woman who was almost Home Secretary - and still might be - views terrorist attacks on Muslims as "terror attacks", while terrorist attacks by Muslims are merely "incidents":

Will somebody please explain the problem to Little Miss Snowflake...

Meanwhile, the person who posted this (presumably) doctored image should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves:

As for tomorrow, I'm really hoping the stand-up comedian Andrew Lawrence is right about Labour voters...

In case he's wrong, I suggest The Sun dusts off one of its most memorable front pages and puts it out tomorrow (using Jeremy Corbyn's face, of course):

Ee, there's nowt like a good laff! - Election update

Madam, you speak for the many, not the few. Meanwhile, the Labour Uncut website dropped a bombshell earlier today...

The People's Poet, Benjamin Zephyr Zodiac, has regained consciousness long enough to deliver a rousing election message...

It has worked. Finally. The world's 21-month long agony is over. Late last night, I and an assortment of West London's most progressive thinkers were clustered (as we are most nights) around the hospital bed in which our great friend and teacher, the world-renowned Dub Poet, Benjamin Zephyr Zodiac (known as BZZ, Benjie or The Master to his friends and admirers, as Wutless,  Mengkeh, or Duncy bat to his countless ex-wives and "baby maddas" - and as Reginald Augustus Wellington Pules to the tax authorities). We were listening to the monotonous beeps of the various monitors attached to BZZ's wasted body and the occasional gurgles of his weapons-grade medical marijuana and Red Stripe Premium Lager drip-feeds...

Labour candidate Roger Godsiff is refreshingly aware of his limitations...

Oh go on, Rog - don't be so hard on yourself! And I wish critics would stop being so mean about Jeremy Corbyn. After all, he's been so right about so many things...

Juncker: English language "losing importance" in EU? Er...

Presumably he means that English could be replaced as the European Union's official lingua franca by ...

The BBC asks a question the whole of Britain has been wrestling with...

I'm not sure where I stand on this, to be honest. Sometimes I think it should be...

Scandal-hit French presidential candidate François Fillon fights back!

If you're mad enough to stay up for tonight's Oscars Ceremony - make it bearable by playing Literally Hitler Bingo!

Alternatively...

To mark the end of the Obama Terror, here's a selection of really mean memes...

Good luck back on whichever weird planet you came from, Mr. President...