I can’t concentrate on a word Ed Balls says for wondering why he isn’t in prison

In fact, I can’t even look at Ed Balls without wondering why he isn’t banged up in a cell with some sex-crazed seven-foot tall bodybuilding chubby-chaser who likes to make his victims squeal like pigs. Why is the man who did so much to help destroy the British economy even allowed to comment on the efforts made by others to put the damn thing right (no matter how incompetent and half-hearted their feeble efforts might be)?

When Balls last week declared (yet again) that Britain’s economic collapse in 2008 had absolutely nothing to do with the deranged tax-and-spend policies of which he was a key architect and tireless proponent - the most grotesquely feckless and unnecessary squandering of the public’s money since King John was on the throne – I was half-listening out for the sound of police car sirens as squads of heavily-armed officers descended on the site of his interview. Where were the shouts of “Freeze!”, “Hands above your head!”, and “On the ground, fatso – now!”? Perhaps they were otherwise engaged arresting tweeters for posting comments deemed to be insufficiently multicultural.

And yet there he was in the Commons again this afternoon mouthing idiotically childish playground comments at his opposite number as Ed Miliband “responded” (i.e. desperately flannelled like a sixth-former who had forgotten to prepare for the school debate) to the Chancellor’s Budget statement. And then Balls had the temerity to get up and attack the same statement without (as far as I could tell) mentioning anything that had actually been announced in it. Even if you can wilfully destroy your country’s economy with impunity, surely the sort of lying, blustering, flatulent, incompetent performance Balls delivered today must contravene some law or other.

Obviously I live in hope that Gordon “Bugsy” Brown will eventually face charges for so moronically wrecking our finances, but at least he’s had the decency to slink off into obscurity (albeit while still drawing his salary as a Member of Parliament, which must surely constitute fraud of some description). But Balls is still there! Is it because Miliband reckons the Labour Party won’t defenestrate him in case it ends up with Bollocks as its new leader? Or do senior Labour politicians actually want to spend another term in opposition so that the Conservatives can get the economy fully back on course, allowing them to come back in and unpick it all again – the only thing socialist appear to be any good at?

Obviously the country is disappointed with the performance of the Crown Prosecution Service (or Can’t Prosecute Service, as it’s more generally known) and that of a police force seemingly obsessed with political correctness and the rights of minorities – but if only the CPS were to file charges against Ed Balls and the police were to arrest him on camera in a very public and humiliating fashion (possibly in his underpants), we’d all be militating on their behalf for higher salaries, even more generous index-linked pensions, and knighthoods all round.