Apparently I side with UKIP on 97% of issues – while approving of 1% of the Greens’ policies

The first time I did the isidewith.com quiz, which matches one's beliefs with the stated policies of all majore political parties (it's available here), I was perplexed to find that there was barely any difference between my UKIP and Conservative vote (90% vs. 88%), so I looked at it again and realised I’d failed to register how strongly I cared about each issue. After I’d indicated which issues genuinely mattered to me, I found that I’d actually had a Vulcan mind-meld with Nigel Farage, while my Tory score now stood at 91%. (The major difference between the two is that UKIP will never get a chance to implement their policies, while the centrist wets who control the Tory Party will simply find excuses to renege on all the right-wing ones.)

It was also a relief to find that my Greens score had plummeted from 4% to 1%. Not surprising, really, given that this deranged sect - the natural home of babyish, public-sector, middle-class, Guardian-reading, socially-inadequate humanity-haters - is the modern equivalent of those nature-worshipping Fascist groups who went striding about the European countryside being aggressively blond and wearing shorts in the 1930s while appreciatively eyeing up each other’s muscular buttocks.

As for the major parties of the egalitarian liberal-left, my enthusiasm for current Labour policies stands at a whopping 12%, while the Liberal Democrats and I see eye-to-eye 37% of the time. That last score troubled me, until I realised that the Liberal Democrats represent post-belief politics: they stand for nothing meaningful, and they’re happy to sacrifice any stated policy at the prospect of political preferment. Finding oneself in agreement with them on any issue whatsoever is a pure accident – in fact, it’s surprising that everyone doesn’t find themselves in agreement with Clegg’s repulsive mob exactly 50% of the time.

In the unlikely event you feel the need to make sure you cast your vote for the party whose policies match your beliefs in next month’s Euro elections, do give the  isidewith.com quiz a try. Only takes a couple of minutes.