Do you routinely get your arse and elbow confused? Would you like to be a member of the Question Time audience?

All you have to do is complete the following questionnaire. There are five questions you MUST answer correctly before you can be considered eligible. Failure to answer any of these questions appropriately will result in automatic disqualification:

(a) Are you intending to vote Conservative or UKIP at the next election? (If your answer is “Yes”, according to official BBC editorial policy guidelines, you are banned in perpetuity from being a member of the Question Time audience, and, furthermore, you may find yourself being taken into custody by Her Majesty’s constabulary prior to being sent to one of the government’s new LibThink facilities for a ReBoot Political Re-education training course.)

(b) Are you too stupid to fart and chew gum at the same time? (If your answer is “No”, again according to official BBC editorial policy guidelines, you are banned from participating in any BBC current affairs programme.)

(c) Do you find it difficult to read without moving your lips and frowning in concentration? (same conditions as above)

(d) Have you read a book without pictures during the past twelve months? (same conditions as above)

(e) Do you find it impossible locate your arse without employing both hands and the latest Satnav technology? (same conditions as above)

If you answered “No” to questions (a) and (d) “Yes” to questions (b), (c) and (e), please continue. Depending on just how thick you are, the questionnaire will take between two minutes and three days to complete. (As a helpful hint, correct answers appear in brackets after each question.)

(1) Do you believe in the existence of a magic money tree from which the government can pluck bank-notes whenever it feels like spending more on one of its pet victim groups or has to bung the EU some more Danegeld? (Correct answer: Yes)

(2) Do you think there is a fixed amount of wealth in the world – i.e. if somebody is rich it means that, as a direct result, someone else must be poor? (Yes)

(3) Do you believe that, despite all appearances to the contrary, Ed Miliband is fit to be the next prime minister of the United Kingdom? (His heart's in the right place, even if nothing else is)

(4) Do you believe that it’s immoral for companies and wealthy individuals to fund the Tory Party, but absolutely fine for a bunch of union barons to fund the Labour Party and choose its leader? (I'm cool with that)

(5) Do you think the NHS – no matter how expensive and incompetent it is and no matter how many patients it tortures and kills - is Britain’s greatest achievement ever and makes up for all the evils perpetrated by the British Empire? (You bet – NB at this point, If you are too overcome by emotion at the very mention of the NHS to continue, you may wish to pause for an act of private devotion before completing the rest of the questionnaire)

(6) Do you sincerely accept the undeniable fact that anyone who thinks we've let in too many unskilled immigrants and would like to see tighter border controls is a vicious racist who is worse than Hitler and is probably a secret member of the Ku Klux Klan? (Too right - racist scum!)

(7) Do you think Lenny Henry has the right to dictate BBC hiring policy? (Well, obviously)

(8) Do you rate man-made climate change as the greatest threat facing the world and believe that a possible rise of one or two degrees centigrade in surface temperatures by the end of this century would prove inconceivably catastrophic and that no amount of other people’s money would be too much to squander on preventing this rapidly unfolding disaster? (Yes – as long as I can keep my two cars and fly off on holiday three times a year)

(9) Do you think it’s better to drown out conservative panellists with hysterical boos and shrieks rather than listen to what they have to say, because, as they are Satan’s spawn, their words might poison your mind. (Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...)

(10) Have you watched or listened to a current affairs “comedy” panel show such as Mock the Week or The News Quiz within the past 12 months without someone holding a gun to your head? (Never miss one - they always make me cry with laughter, especially when they attack Mrs Thatcher, who was responsible for the Holocaust and 9/11 and the whole of the North dying of hunger)

(11) Does your voice rise interrogatively at the end of simple declarative sentences? (Like, yeah?)

(12) Do you believe black underachievement is solely the result of white racism rather than bad parenting, rubbish schools and the detrimental influence of black yoof kultcha? (Too right, bruv – we is like all to blame, innit)

(13) Do you believe that the greatest threat to Britain’s internal security is from the far right? (Huh? What else could it be?)

(14) Do you believe that Islamic terrorists would stop bombing, beheading, raping and crucifying people who don’t agree with them - mainly other Muslims - if only the Jews apologised for being Jewish and all packed up and left Israel? (Well, dur!)

(15) Do you think the only thing wrong with the BBC is that it’s too right-wing? (You read my mind)

(16) Do you sincerely believe that cheap, efficient nuclear power stations are wicked,  that expensive, inefficient wind farms are morally good, and that frackers are raping Gaia? (Cross my heart and hope to freeze to death)

(17) Do you actually think that if we got rid of our military and our nuclear weapons nobody would attack us? (Stands to reason – people don’t kill people, guns kill people, right?)

(18) Do you feel slightly sick when you hear “Jerusalem” or see a Cross of St George flag because you like to think of yourself as a citizen of the world and because “patriotism is the last refuse of the scandal” or something? (They are a deliberate insult to immigrants, non-Christians and the LGBT-with-extra-mayonnaise community)

(19) Do you like free stuff? (Now you’re talking, blud)

(20) Are you absolutely certain that the political party which almost destroyed the economy, dumbed down the education system, wrecked the health service, emasculated the police, ran down the military, allowed Asian rape gangs to run riot in the name of multiculturalism, lied to get us embroiled in disastrous, unwinnable wars, undermined our tradition of free speech and gave us the worst prime minister in history deserves to be returned to power in May? (Well, naturally – I really hate this country and want it to suffer)

If you got 15 or more questions right, you're exactly the sort of person we're looking for. Unfortunately, we can't accommodate everbody who wants to take part in Question Time, even after we're excluded all conservatives, right-wingers and libertarians, so please let us know whether you have most or all of the other qualities we're looking for. If you are hopelessly inarticulate, have never had an original thought in your life, have dyed your hair a really stupid colour to prove you're really interesting, suffer from a prominent speech defect, have a nasal estuarine accent, or invariably employ a hectoring, self-righteous, aggrieved tone please tell us in the space provided below, and then submit your form for consideration. (Jews and Christians will not be considered unless they are extremely wet and dementedly left-wing).

Good luck!

The BBC Question Time Team