Need a laugh? Just read cultural Marxist Laurie Penny on the new James Bond film

"The problem with the way we watch Bond is not that Bond is a killer. I rather like films about serial killers, those gory thrillers that seduce you into rooting for the twisted anti-hero over the good guy. The problem with Bond is that he is supposed to be the good guy. He is a borderline rapist who is employed by the government to murder people – and yet he is not an anti-hero. He is just a hero... Bond is a hero for no other reason than that he is on our side, which is how most western nations and particularly the British come to terms with their particular legacy of horror – with a quiet embarrassment that nonetheless knows how to defend itself by force."

Well, she's spot on  there. And while we're on the subject, it really is time we modern men stopped pathetically hero-worshipping those WWII commandos who routinely snuck up on unsuspecting German soldiers and slit their throats. Typical male psychopaths - that's all they were. As for Britain's particular "legacy of horror" - I presume that would include being the first nation on earth to outlaw slavery, and stopping the spread of Spain's particularly enlightened brand of colonialism, and standing alone against the Nazi menace, and, more recently, playing a vital role in bringing Soviet communism to a juddering halt. No wonder Britain is quietly embarrassed about its dreadful past. Ditto the Americans, who, of course, have even more to be ashamed of. What did they ever do for the world? (Apart from that tired old defeating communism and Nazism crap. Follow Obama's lead and get over yourselves, already!)

With the benefit of an intellect finely honed by a private school education, young Penny eventually reaches the heart of the matter:

The dilemma of James Bond is a pantomime version of the dilemma facing most men who grew up watching the films and wondering what it would be like to be that guy, whom everybody seems to love not in spite of the awful things he does but because of them. In real life, anyone who behaved even slightly like James Bond would be ostracised, arrested, or both. And that is the problem. Bond is still supposed to be a hero but if you knew him in real life, you would be warning all your friends not to invite him to their parties. That disconnect follows men home from the cinema and into their daily lives, because most of the behaviours that are supposed to make you a hero – the things you are still supposed to do if you want to be a strong, respected, manly man – also make you an unqualified arsehole.

Let's face it - whenever confronted by a strong, respected, manly man, one's natural inclination is to think that they're an "unqualified arsehole" who should be locked up instantly before they do any more harm. It really is about time us chaps began to fantasise about being weak, ineffectual, despised mincers very much in touch with our feminine side. What about some action movies featuring heroes modelled on, say, Ban Ki-moon, Jimmy Carter or Herman van Rompuy?

Actually, scrub the last two - they're white, and we all know what that means:

James Bond, more than anything, is a tragic figure and his tragedy is the tragedy of white, imperialist masculinity in the 21st century. It is a tragedy of irrelevance that becomes all the more poignant and painful in the retelling. It cannot last for ever and it must not last for ever – but while it does I’ll thank you to pass me the popcorn.

Ah - white masculinity, the source of all the world's ills. It may well not last forever, Laurie (whatever "it" is) - but, until "it" has been wiped from the face of the earth, I suggest you fetch your own fucking popcorn.

You can read the rest of little Laurie's hilarious New Statesman piece here.