Aided by So.Much.Guardian, I have decided to become an agony aunt for Guardian writers

My favourite Twitter feed at the moment is So.Much.Guardian, which, by publishing the newspaper's online article headings, allows you to "read" the paper without actually having to read it, or to visit its website - the headline and the sub-heading tell you everything you need to know about the article that follows. (I've already celebrated this wonderful site, here.) In Two Cultures? The Significance of C.P. Snow (1962), F.R. Leavis wondered whether Snow's novels were created by feeding chapter headings into a computer: I've often suspected The Guardian of doing something similar:

As the lawyer played by Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar shouts at one of his sleazebucket clients who asks for his advice after being arrested yet again: "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!"

Stop reading your emails?

Perhaps the civil service shouldn't hire so many black and minority ethnic, disabled and older staff. It isn't a job creation scheme (well, it is, but you know what I mean.)

Contact the police, obviously.

I suggest you secure a better-paid job, R.L. Stephens II. 

Because Paris is a lot nearer, we share a lot of history, and most of us have been there? Apart from that, you're right - it's a puzzle.

Plus, of course, the worry that you might suffer the indignity of being blown out of the sky by someone who worships the same deity as you.

I think we probably already knew that.

That, and just another brand of, you know, Deathophobia.

Says the newspaper group which lost over £19m last year.

Yes, I've always found my incredible good looks a drawback.

Sad? I'd be devastated!

And, of course, doing so might give Jeremy Corbyn a boost in the polls.

We so can't wait to hear!

Thank you for that message from the Planet Zog.

Why is this even a problem? Are hordes of common, black women desperate to get into publishing? And would the people who buy books want to buy the books they'd want to publish?

If students aren't babies who can't handle life, why do they need trigger warnings?

Print them out or put them on a memory-stick. Sorted!

WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION, LADY!!!

Nope. Next!

There, in one neat package, you have the Guardian worldview - Britain "deserves" a vicious, murdering bully as its national bird.

Go away.

I thought it already was! After all, it's run by a bunch of... well, you know.

The excellent So.Much.Guardian Twitter feed is available here.